A Two Tiger Kind of Night

Miles is having a two-tiger kind of night- meaning he needed to snuggle with an extra tiger during bedtime. This brings the stuffed animal count up to five: two tigers, a beaver, a frog, and a Big Toe. He needed an extra light on, which we've never done before. And here's the kicker- he wanted to hold my hand. Rarely does he seek out affection of this nature. Typically, I am lucky to get in a quick cheek peck in daily, but loving of this nature (especially initiated by the little tough guy he has become) is quite unique. I think he was super tired tonight, so relaxing has been a bit harder for him. Earlier today he had his blood drawn for the annual thyroid screening. Though he handled the test like a true big boy, Jesse said kiddo did get a bit freaked out near the end of the test. Can you blame him? I have a huge fear of needles, so he comes by this honestly. So this, plus a day packed full of play, may have pushed him over the edge. But he's asleep now- thank goodness.

I too will need two tigers tonight because I am worried about Penelope. Tomorrow I plan on calling our ped. to discuss acid reflux concerns. Ever since the heart screening on Tuesday, Jesse and I are much more aware of this problem; having the cardiologist see reflux evidence during her assessment wasn't lost on our ears. I also want to discuss her slowing in weight gain. She's been hovering in the same range now for over two weeks; I am guessing this is reflux related. While she's eating roughly every three hours, which is right on tracking, the weight just isn't adding up.

Two tigers are also needed because I am wrestling with some serious ghosts of Two Month Appointments Past. (Read this entry as a refresher.) Maybe I am feeling more scared than I care to acknowledge. Maybe I am waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop. This is exactly when we were met with Miles's Ds diagnosis. Now, as I type this entry, I am holding my breath in fear... waiting to learn of some difficulty, some setback, some new hurdle that my dear Penelope will have to face. I hate being pessimistic, but there are certain life experiences that leave such deep scars that knee jerk reactions and unavoidable triggers are just part of the turf.

Okay, I will "man up" and admit that I do this type of thinking as a self-defense mechanism. Allow me to elaborate- if I think of a possible event (more likely to be a bad experience), then I will be able to think of solutions before the event occurs- but in actuality, this strategy has NEVER worked for me. In my own feeble way, I am trying to protect myself from all of the scary what-if's that lurk in Parent Land. Sidebar- to my parents and your contemporaries, my hat's off to you. Being a parent is by far and beyond the most challenging, soul searching, and albeit, rewarding adventure of my life. In fact, it gives my life a whole new meaning. And the power of the experience is why, at least for me, it can hurt so much, too.

As a parent, I want the best for my children- health and happiness. When one of these goals are in jeopardy, I can't help but kick into super mom mode and look for remedies and solutions. When there isn't an easy fix, like a boo-boo kiss or bedtime handholding session, my heart hurts. Really, really hurts. And my mind begins to wander to that area of the What-Ifs. My main what-if is a variation on the same theme- what if I can't help them?!? Ugh!

To be honest, I already feel 90% better just writing it out. And reader, I hope that I have not put any of my stress onto you. Here, I have written to celebrate, to mourn, to vent, and to heal. This blog is the hub for my emotional cross-hares and puddlings, sappy sobs and fierce hollers. Tonight, I think I just oozed out a pile of painful confusions. Thanks for letting me do that. Now that some of the weight has been lessened, I need to secure two tigers of my own.

(And I will update of Penelope's reflux issues as soon as I learn more. Please wish my ladybug a good night's sleep. It's becoming more obvious that this is not a good time of day for her.)