Updates from the Preggo Eggo

Disclaimer: All mentioned physical complaints will be shared with my doctor during my appointment this coming Monday, so please no worries. (Exclude #9 because Jesse was only doing his job... I guess.)

1. I am too tired to form proper paragraphs. Please forgive me and embrace the list.

2. I am in the throes of the worst sleep cycle ever. I typically crash around 10 pm, and then I am up and down for the next seven hours.

3. What's keep me up? The worst pain I've ever encountered. It (multiple body parts at this point) hurts in all positions and at all times. The pain oscillates from annoying to throbbing to stabbing. Changing positions amounts to a hill of beans because even standing has become a literal pain in my ass.

4. Contractions. Contractions. Contractions. These are also ever present, though they typically do not hurt. However...

5. Painful, and real deal, contractions are starting to occur. Luckily, they are only happening one at a time. But sheesh- I've got 5 more weeks to go. Come on!

6. My belly needs its own yoga instructor because it is sucking at stretching. Yep, Harold and the Purple crayon have made an appearance all over my belly. My only chance at looking cool after delivery is turning those marks into a psychedelic lightning motif tattoo. Maybe add in a wizard or a portrait of Jimi Hendrix.

7. Good- Penelope is growing. Bad- Penelope is growing. She's now large enough to head butt my bladder at truly inopportune times, like last night, when I woke up certain that my water had broken- not a fun experience... I was alternating between spazzing out about an impending delivery and the fact that I have not yet packed a bag or three. The lack of accompanying contractions made me feel much better. Ironically, this was the only time last night when I was having what surely felt like early back labor.

8. Lest we forget the typical pregnancy woes- stuffy nose, sore hips, forgetfulness, unmentionable things (yep, got a couple of them, too) and leg cramps- ahhh leg cramps. A few weeks back, I woke up screaming and writhing in pain with a leg cramp to end all leg cramps. Jesse thought I was in labor; I was able slur out only legs were giving birth. (I might have accidentally kicked him at that point. Opps.)

9. And finally, constant bladder pressure almost cost me life. One night, whilst making my fifth or so trip to the bathroom, my slumbering husband decided that I was not his leaky wife, but rather, I was a dangerous intruder headed for Miles' room. In with just the light of the moon as my saving grace, I had to fend off my sleep walking/ home defender/ slightly psychotic husband and yell him back to bed- because he was never fully awake or aware of the actual situation. Jesse, in an apparent kung-fu stance, was ready to throw me down the stairs, so I whipped my hair dryer at him- along with a long strand of expletives for almost scaring me into delivery. Obviously, this startles sleeping Miles, who chimed in with his own response to the yelling. In the morning, I had to remind Jesse of what had transpired. His meager response, "I must have been having a safety dream." What?!?! So this could have happened at any point during the last 8 months! For the record, I do not like "safety dreams."

10. Holy cow... the eagle is slated to land in 5 weeks.