The fear and pain from last July felt fresh as ever; my stomach remembered to knot up during the flashback. Never have I ever lived through something so scary- Miles' surgery. And I am so thankful that I posted quickly and honestly because sometimes I forget how sweet life is now. Those posting are perma-post it notes... bright, flashing reminders of my son's strength, my amazing support network, and the fact that I mustered courage that far exceeded my personal expectations. Often we've been asked, "how did you do it?" Meaning, how did you prepare, endure, and recover from Miles' open heart operation. Well, we realized that we only had one choice, and that choice was to draft a simplified, modified existence. Sometimes even living day-to-day was too difficult to handle. We floated from one moment to the next, and tried to breathe deeply as often as possible.
Between nose blows and crying jags, I realized that the fear is still alive and kickin' in me. It's that gut wrenching panic of what-ever-lies-around-the corner fear. I know Miles will have other medical concerns in the future. To what extent, I haven't the foggiest, and that is what freaks me out the most. Though I know I have no control over his future, Miles remains vulnerable, and I wish, hope, and pray that my crystal ball arrives in today's mail.
Alright, enough of this whining. While I've been blabbering on, Miles has been on Cloud 9. I'll post some video evidence soon that features one blissful boy and a stuffed soccer ball. Why fret when I can take my own advice and live in the moment? Why? Because I am stubborn. Painfully, rock solid, tree stump thick, brick breakin' stubborn. Time for some deep breathing- because good old fashion retail therapy just isn't in the financial forecast at the moment.
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