The Journey- just the beginning

Flipping back, as I often do, through previous entries, I realized that I've never written about the few days leading up to Miles' diagnosis of Down syndrome.  The testing and results timeline is nestled around Mother's Day.  

A few days prior to that Sunday, Miles had his two month check up.  As the doctor left the examination room to schedule a follow-up blood test, I clutched Miles so tightly because the world was spinning and the floor had just fallen away.  We left that office and headed to a lab to have lab work done, all the while sobbing.  Results were expected by the end of the week, and, of course, they did not arrive.  Agonizing does even come close to describing the turmoil Jesse and I went through that weekend.  We couldn't sleep; we couldn't focus on anything other than maintaining our routine.  

And then there was Mother's Days, ahhhhh, Mother's Day.  I spent part of that day sitting on my couch, crying over the newspaper ads offering discounts on Mother's Day brunches.  Never, before this day, would I have wanted to go to something like that, but I was crying because I felt so guilty for being a mom not in the mood for celebration. 

I went to sleep that Sunday night just knowing that he was going to test positive for Trisomy 21, and then my fears were confirmed that following afternoon.  Jesse arrived home soon after I got the call, and I met him in our front yard.  However, I was wordless; I didn't have to say anything.  The desperation in my hug, the expression on my face and the fact that a rainstorm wasn't phasing me broke the news.  I will always remember that hug; we were embracing not only for sadness but also for reassurance, that the other person was still there and that this was really happening.  

Fast forward to ten months later, and here I sit finally able to share about the days leading up to Miles' diagnosis.  Not every moment with Trisomy 21 has been affirming.  In fact, as many of you know, this year has been stuffed with heartache and fear.  Some days I see Down syndrome is an avalanche, this abyss that smothers everything we go through.  Unless you truly know the disability, you have no clue how far reaching and complicated its impact can be.  And all the unknowns and uncertainties can leave you breathless and panicked.

Even the lowest of the lows are accompanied with the most brilliant highs.  The love I have for my family, for my amazing son only grows stronger by the minute.  Jesse and I couldn't be prouder or more pleased with his development.  Every day brings a new surprise; another star in his crown appears.  Miles is a gift.  And this May, I will celebrate all things maternal with a wiser and more open heart.  Frankly, every day with Miles is Mother's Day for he is cause of constant celebration. 

Thank you to everyone who follows this blog, who lends their encouragement and support.  I would not have wanted to take this journey without you!