Things have finally settled down a bit. Jesse and I both agree- this has been the worst week ever, but at least it is over. Miles is doing wonderful on the apnea monitor- no indications yet of actual sleep apnea. No alarms sounding during the night. His breathing looks good on the monitor and sounds good to my ears. He will remain on the monitor until his next visit with the cardiologist- just to make sure. So far, this looks like it might just be a case of weird infant breathing. Thank God.
We are meeting with the geneticist this coming Thursday. I was just filling out the paperwork for the appointment. Hundreds of questions about my pregnancy- which was completely normal. I did everything I needed to do. . .then some extra credit work because I am such an over-achiever. For example, I never dyed my hair (which was like holding my breath for 9 months). I ditched nail polish, food preservatives, glorious caffeine, heeled shoes, fast food, and loud music. Sleep was courted in abundance, though I got plenty of exercise chasing after my 8th graders. I did everything I was supposed to do, and yet, my body didn't hold up its end of the bargain. In keeping true to my type-A personality, I am also a control freak. Miles' diagnosis is throwing my inability to control life in my face. Sometimes, actually most of the time, life is out of our control. I am quick to freak out in situations where I feel powerless or at the mercy of someone/something else. My son is who he is, and I can't change that. I need to realize that his Down Syndrome is not my fault. Logically, my head easily accepts this fact. Emotionally, my heart is breaking because I feel like I failed my family. Once I truly understand that it is nature, not me, calling the shots, I will be able to let go of the pain.
2 comments:
There is nothing about you, Jesse or Miles that can be labled failure. We will all eventually see the great gift of having Miles in our family.
I guess that I am just grieving the loss of normalcy. But then again, Jesse and I have never done anything the traditional way. I mean, I wore black to my own wedding! The difficulty has been in the speed and surprise of this news- out of the blue. We were not prepared for the DS diagnosis, but how does one prepare for such a change?
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