freak out mystery solved!

Okay, so I freaked out yesterday when I realized how soon the new Thomas will be here. Additionally, I freaked out when my hippie-naturalist, go-with-the-flow, embrace the experience, love your mother side gave way to my dark, type A, control freak side. I am very yin and yang- just without the balancing dots. Even-keeled has never been on my resume, and that scares me! I am so flooded with emotions- all 31 flavors of joy and fear. I need to get Ben & Jerry's with this process and mix them all together to form a tasty treat- not live by single serving bites. Man, I want some ice cream right now. There is some heartfelt truth to my need to embrace the process. I was so moved watching our friends Missy and Andy with their baby boys on Sunday. I tried to image Jesse and I with our little man and what it would be like- and then I got scared. Fears about adequacy, attention, affection, and properly equipped nursery room and house overtook my daydream. Jesse has calls me out for being a pessimist- he's right. I let fear suck the joy out of the fantasy. Well, darn it, I am only pregnant, for the first time, once, and I refuse to have the experience governed by doubt and parades of what-if's. Jesse tells me to have faith and relax- that everything will work out in the end. I respond to his glass-half-full attitude by whipping my internal worker ants into a rally-worthy furry. Together, we crash around the house doing pointless chores and grumbling about things we cannot change- me and my ants. I want to replace these proverbial ants with freedom-loving butterflies! Let me flit from dream to dream, only resting on the beautiful pieces of each day. (Can I do this and still have German ancestry?) I need a prenatal chill pill to take with my prenatal vitamin.