Sleepless Night

Right now I am a bundle of nerves, a pile of live wires fighting every urge to sleep. Tomorrow morning, 8:30 to be exact, Jesse and I have our first ultrasound appointment. Suddenly, everything seems so real. This sounds silly, and it makes me feel silly to write that because I have been so forward about everything in this blog. I am scared. So far, all of our test results have been fine. But those results are just numbers , nothing tangible. The anxiety I am feeling has less to do with a problem with the baby, and more with learning that pregnancy won't last or that I am not really pregnant. I have fully resinged myself to notion of giving birth. I really want to have this baby, and I am very attached to potential new Thomas that has arrived. I was raised to believe that everything, especially painful and difficult events, happen for a reason. Our job is to not live through the pain, but to learn through the pain. First pregnancies are at a higher risk for miscarriage, especially up until the 10th week. We are nearing the 8th week mark. I know, in my heart of hearts, that if this pregnancy is not carried out to term, there will be a just reason behind it. I am praying to God that I do not have to experience that pain. I never realized I could be so attached, so in love, with a creature I know only in my imagination. Let me amend that, I also know the new Thomas in my soul. I just wish my love was strong enough to protect us on this journey.