As I lay awake in bed, I am soothed by Miles' chortling on the baby monitor. 3 am has always been his favorite time of day. While pregnant, he would really run my womb through the paces then. He was also born at 3am- a man of true consistencey.
Jesse is currently on bottle and diaper duty. I sat with them for a few minutes and rewarmed Miles' bottle because he has learned that warm bottles are much tastier. He is really being active- making too many cute faces and sounds for my sad heart to handle at the moment. I had to step outside for some air.
While outside, I resolved that I needed to write about my feelings. Let me share with you the thoughts I have running on repeat:
-My brother Clark, Miles' most amazing uncle and a true wordsmith, put our situation into a perfect analogy earlier tonight. "You and Jesse have been thrown a fast ball to the brain." He is referring to the speed and severity of which we have received this news, and Clark is right. Not a week ago, our family was still living in a reality where our son was healthy, and life was status quo.
-Also, while talking to Clark, I had a revelation. I told my brother I would totally exchange my life for my son's- that I would give my health for his health. I know with my whole being that I am prepared to do anything that my son requires. Guess this is what it means to be a parent.
-While sitting outside moments ago, it came to me that the Yin & Yang symbol is an excellent sign for my family. In the brightest of lights, there is an element of darkness, an undercurrent of fragility. And in our darkest moments, there is always hope. Right now, Jesse and I are sitting in darkness. Miles is our beacon of light, our source of hope, and our reason to be strong. We are living for him as I think he is living for us.
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